“So here’s the thing…

I ramble.

I always have and probably always will. So when I get a thought in my head that I’d like to write about, I immediately think of two things that stop me. First, I’ll probably start rambling until I’ve lost my point and my wrists hurt from typing. And, secondly, it’s easier to just call my sister-in-law and tell her my thought since she’s one of the only people who read this blog.

But I’ve had something weighing on my mind for awhile, and I thought maybe I’d share it in case someone else happens upon this site.

I’m in the process of reading 3 books. Probably not the best idea, but hey. Anyway, one of the chapters in book #2 talks about the differences between Excellence and Obedience. Here are some excerpts of what the author talks about:

To aim for obedience is to aim for perfection, not for “excellence,” which is actually something less. 

“Wait a minute!” you reply. “I thought excellence and perfection were the same thing.”

Sometimes they appear to be. But mere excellence allows room for a mixture. In most arenas, excellence is not a fixed standard at all. It’s a mixed standard…American business are in search of excellence. They could be in search of perfection, of course - perfect products, perfect service - but perfection is too costly and eats into profits. Rather than be perfect, businesses know it’s enough to seem perfect to their customers. By stopping short of perfection, they find a profitable balance between quality and costs… How far can we go and still seem perfect? By how far can we stop short?

But is it profitable for Christians to stop short at the middle ground of excellence where costs are low, balanced somewhere between paganism and obedience? Not at all! While in business it’s profitable to seem perfect, in the spiritual realm it’s merely comfortable to seem perfect. It is never profitable.

I think I’ve been striving for excellence since I re-dedicated my life to God last year. I’ve attended church faithfully every Sunday AND Wednesday. I started singing in the choir; I became a Greeter; I even started teaching Sunday school. This is the most dedicated I’ve ever been to any church and the most dedicated I’ve ever been to “staying the course.” Pretty excellent for me.

(Now, forgive me as I try to explain the many gears my brain shifts into within a matter of minutes.)

Jami (a friend from church) and I were talking Sunday about my old friend, Kevin, and her brother, Todd, both living gay lifestyles. Both were raised in the church and consider themselves born-again christians. During an argument Jami had with Todd, he angrily asked her, “do you expect me to pretend I don’t feel the way I feel? Do you think God just wants me to be alone and miserable?!” 

This started me thinking about what it means to be a “living sacrifice.” We hear it all the time in church…”offer yourself as a living sacrifice.” What does that mean exactly? Sacrificing to give money to the church? Sacrificing your time to get involved in ministry? I think God wants more from us…from me. Can we commit to sacrificing our very selves? …sacrificing our desires, our dreams, our supposed “needs?” Americans, especially, seem to have this idea that we’re entitled to whatever makes us happy.

Like Todd assuming that his feelings make his choices acceptable in God’s eyes. Like my christian sister who recently decided that she got married too young and didn’t make the right choice so she’s entitled to a God-approved “do over.” Like me, thinking that since I go to church regularly, it’s ok to watch a movie or play a game rather than study my bible. I’m trying to get away with merely seeming excellent, but not focusing on being obedient to what God wants from me… to strive for perfection…strive to be more and more like Jesus.

I took three years “off” from what had become a stressful christian walk and in that time found other things to make me happy…things that had absolutely nothing to do with God. I had somehow convinced myself that merely loving God was still pretty close to excellent, certainly better than so many others who deny Him altogether.

This past year has had equal portions of beauty and pain. I’ve had to give some things up. I’ve had to sacrifice some desires in order to be a true living sacrifice. I’m trying day by day to stay obedient to what God wants from me, and not to what had seemed “good enough.” And now it feels like I’m entering into a new phase. Just being involved in my church is starting to feel like “good enough” again, not true obedience. It’s the harder stuff (for me) that I’ve been avoiding…regular prayer time, bible study. (I literally have 4 bible study guides I haven’t touched.)

I can honestly (and shamefully) say that studying God’s word is like getting off my butt to exercise. I suck at it. I don’t have a genuine desire. Don’t get me wrong, like I said, this is the most dedicated I’ve ever felt to staying close to God no matter what; I’m just struggling with putting forth the effort it takes to actually accomplish that goal. Pastor Tim once said, “your feelings will follow where your Will leads.” Maybe that’s the key…CHOOSING to be obedient and trusting that Godly desires will follow. Like Todd realizing someday that true fellowship with God is more important than his sexlife. Like that woman realizing that God can heal any marriage and give her a renewed appreciation for her husband. Like me choosing to find out what exactly it is God wants from me and then actually DOING IT.